4 days out - Baby's first days are special, and unique and pass like a dream. An accurate rememberance is what I am hoping for - when so much of my life has passed without record or rememberance. Birth Day I remember being excited that the day had finally arrived, of course, but so scared. I was very convinced that something was going to be wrong with the baby; that he would have Down's Syndrome. I'm not sure why I felt this way; I never shared the concern with Shane. I told myself we'd love him the same, and that we'd be the loving home that he needed. Doctor came and broke my water, then I asked for the epidural to be started before the Pitocin was administered to start contractions - I knew that I progress quickly once I start contracting. Shane leaves the room when the Anesthesiologist enters - he can't stand the sight of the needle. Then I "bottomed out", where my blood pressure goes through a sudden drop. I was so scared - the room seemed to disappear, I couldn't hear out of my left ear, I was going to throw up, and had a funny taste in my mouth of chemicals. Shane came back in the room at the same time when they were giving me ephedrine to conteract the symptoms, so that was probably frightening for him. Once this was corrected, we got the Pitocin started, and I assumed it wouldn't be long before baby was here, but the nurse checked after an hour, and I was still only dialate to 3 cm, and had had no change. I started to worry about babysitting for the other kids, as it seemed we were going to be there for a long time. Baby's heart rate started dropping with every contraction, which the nurse indicated that the cord may be wrapped around his neck. All other signs were good that he was okay, but she wanted to speed up the labor so we could just get him out before he did have any problems. She turned me onto my side, in the hopes that that would allow him to move and descend properly. After turning me, 20 mins later I was feeling a lot of pressure. I sent Shane to get the nurse immediately, as I was feeling a need to push. My nurse had gone to lunch, and a different nurse came and checked me and said "whoa, yep, we're going to have a baby soon!" So the turning had worked, and I had progressed from 3 cm to 10 in 20 mins. I started crying, because of the pressure I was feeling, the need to push and not having anyone there, and I think I was just scared too. In about 5 mins, everyone was there and ready, we waited for a contraction, Shane and the nurse, Danielle, held my legs. We had 3 good pushes, and then, a baby! The relief that occurs when the baby is out is indescribable. I cried tears of relief, joy, amazement and disbelief over this new tiny, floppy, beautiful creature! I don't remember saying much, just holding him, he laying on my chest, so perfect and still and just being overwhelmed. It was a quiet perfectness. An hour later they came to do the surgery for my tubal ligation that I had requested. It was a pretty simple procedure for something so life changing, and I knew that if I went into it with any doubts, I would have regrets later. I had confirmed with myself hundreds of times over the previous weeks that this was the right thing for me and our family. It was. The sensation of it was extremely displeasing - from being completely numb and touching something you know you should feel as your leg, but you can't feel at all, to the roller-coaster sensation of falling when other people are moving your numbed body. I saw the tubes after they were removed - they look like little pink earthworms. Shane brought the kids to visit later that night. They were excited, and demanding as to when it would be their turn to hold their new brother, and it was a little stressful to contain them and their energy in that tiny hospital room. Logan wouldn't come to me, but he was very excited about the baby and holding him. Hospital Days Pretty boring, in a good way. Lots of TV watching, and sleeping in between attempts to feed. I knew that the awful, itchy rash that I always get after delivery was coming, and I was doing all I could to avoid it and keep the area free of irritation. I remember feeling happy and content and a little lonely. I think I only cried once, on my last morning there. I was feeling lonely, so I called home, and Tessa read her starter books to me over the phone for 20 mins in her munchkin voice. I loved that! Being Home It is good to be home, and Shane has done such a great job caring for the kids and the house. Ward members have brought dinners, which has been very nice. I appreciated the people that just showed up with food - especially just food we could snack on during the day, like fruit, sandwiches & chips. Everyone fights over whose turn it is to hold baby Tate. It is very cold and snowy outside, which makes it perfect to just hang out and watch movies without too much guilt. I'm in the difficult healing stage right now. Everything makes me cry, and I have a checklist of problems to heal - sleep deprivation, nursing, delivery pain, tubal stitches, delivery stitches, itchy rash, bleeding, going to the bathroom, and swollen feet. Once I check off an item, I tell myself I am one step closer, and I remember that this is only temporary - I won't always be this way. But these are hard days, and it is difficult not to despair. Right now the nursing and sleep deprivation and swollen feet are the worst problems. Probably because these are the ones I can't "take" anything for, or do much to solve, except to wait. The nursing is so painful, like your nipple is grabbed by a pincer, extended as far as possible, and held to a fire. I just sob as he nurses and wonder why I do this? My mom arrives tomorrow, and I also wonder why I would have allowed her to come at this most difficult time - I should have had her come later, after I was healed, not so emotional, able to walk, and able to take the baby out places. I hope that she will be helpful, look past my issues, and I hope that the kids will be good for her, and that she will have a nice visit. We've tried to continue normal life as best we can during these first days - taking Reid to judo, getting the kids to piano, dance, birthday parties, completing homework assignments. I've tried to keep a prayer in my heart to be thankful for blessings - to see the blessings, and not just the pain. I also learned about how some people who endure many hard trials can become unsympathetic to others, because they feel your trial is nothing to the many that they've endured. That you don't know real suffering because you haven't walked the path that they have. This is evidenced by "one-upping" your stories or even just replying "I've had that happen to me" - which seems like it should show sympathy, but really devalues your own experience. I can see times where I've felt this way also, or thought, "I can't help them, they should be helping me because of everything going on in my life. Their life is no where near as hard as mine is!" Our trials should make us better able to sympathize, like the Savior, who endured all things so that "he could know how to succor his people", and they should not cause us to compare our hand-picked trials with someone else's, and be the judge as to whose are the worst. I am grateful to learn this lesson.

Countdown continues - 5 days!

I don't remember the last few days before delivery being so taxing before. The slightest exertion is exhausting! I've been working on the laundry for days, with no measurable progress. I'm sure I've just forgotten how it was during previous pregnancies, which is why I wanted to write about it this time - for my future appreciation and gratitude. When I look at pictures of myself from a year ago, I think I look so beautiful and skinny - but at the time I would have never said that. Oh, perspective, how you change things! I feel morbidly obese - my heart and lungs strain when I get up or go up the stairs. My hands, feet, and face are swollen, and my features just look stretched out. My wedding ring no longer fits, and even some maternity clothes are too small. My daily wardrobe is one of Shane's t-shirts and some yoga pants. All I can stomach to eat is ice, cereal, and microwave chimichungas (gross, huh?). I am grumpy and sarcastic to my husband and kids, and have no patience when they don't listen to me. I document these woes to remember in the future - I know they are not unique to me, and that all pregnant women suffer these same maladies. I know my case could be worse; I know I have much to be grateful for. But I also know that time erases my memories - I want to remember for the sake of gratitude, and to not feel as if my life has "passed away as a dream." I want to know that it was all for a purpose, that I made a difference to even one little someone (or 6).

Only 8 days until our family begins a new adventure of welcoming our 6th child into our family! We are definitely experiencing a mix of emotions; excitement, worry, even a little fear! When I was young, I always knew that I wanted to have a big family - I felt so alone with just 1 brother, and my parents both working full-time. Sometimes now though, when it is so loud and everything is out of control, I wonder how we can add more?! It's funny that I love it though, too. A big family is fun, and overwhelming, full of love, and exasperating, all at once. And each child is a miracle. It truly makes me wonder when each child arrives - I'm still so amazed that there actually was a baby inside of me - a new life is created - and as soon as I hold them, I can't remember or imagine my life without them. Not to say that this pregnancy has been easy - it has been the most challenging and trying. Ready or not, we soon begin our new adventure!